Who is Travis......

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and God like harmonica playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of army ants. I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries, and when I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back yard. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number 9 and have won weekend passes.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read the Star Wars trilogy, Moby Dick and the Chronicles of Narnia in one day and still had time to rearrange an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I sleep once a week; when I do, I sleep on the couch. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who seized a small bakery. The Laws of Physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the true meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only the George Foreman grill and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning snails. I have won bull fights on San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet won the MASS Series.